Marriage in an age of Ashley Madison

I saw a post recently from someone who criticized a woman's choice to stand by her husband after he was linked to the Ashley Madison scandal. (If you don't know, Ashley Madison is/was a website that, for a fee, enabled people to have an affair.)

I agree the husband's activities are disturbing: not only was he not living up to his vows, he was paying money out of the household budget to actively seek activities that would attract evil into his home. As a leader in his church and the Christian community, he espoused a life he wasn't fully living. That's disturbing, to say the least.

But, his wife chose to stand by him. I found the criticism of his wife to be disturbing, too, perhaps more so. The author ridiculed the wife for choosing to stay, and denigrated her as an individual by saying she had no skills than to be a homemaker. She further denigrated the wife's birth family for raising her in a away that (paraphrasing, here) "left her no skills outside of being wholly dependent on her husband - no choice but to stand by his side, regardless of what he had done to their marriage."

I find criticism of the wife as a homemaker speaks to how little she understands what it takes to be a homemaker. I find the criticism of her birth family exceptionally challenging, as it mischaracterizes a teaching of complementary equality between the sexes.

As to criticizing her for standing by her husband, I look to the catechism of the Catholic Church. Section 1648 & 1649 focus on marital strife:

1648: It can seem difficult, even impossible, to bind oneself for life to another human being. This makes it all the more important to proclaim the Good News that God loves us with a definitive and irrevocable love, that married couples share in this love, that it supports and sustains them, and that by their own faithfulness they can be witnesses to God's faithful love. Spouses who with God's grace give this witness, often in very difficult conditions, deserve the gratitude and support of the ecclesial community.

1649: Yet there are some situations in which living together becomes practically impossible for a variety of reasons. In such cases the church permits the physical separation of the couple and their living apart. The spouses do not cease to be husband and wife before God and so are not free to contract a new union. In this difficult situation, the best solution would be, if possible, reconciliation. The Christian community is called to help these persons live out their situation in a Christian manner and in fidelity to their marriage bond which remains indissoluble."

In my view, the author's criticism of the wife's choice to stay goes directly against the church's teaching. It also completely ignores the idea of forgiveness. Section 2840 of the catechism of the Catholic Church informs us that "...[God's] outpouring of mercy cannot penetrate our hearts as long as we have not forgiven those this have trespasses against us. Love, like the Body of Christ is indivisible; we cannot love the God we cannot see if we do not love the brother or sister we do see. In refusing to forgive our brothers and sisters, our hearts are closed and their hardness makes them impervious to the Father's merciful love; but in confessing our sins, our hearts are opened to his grace."

It takes tremendous strength to forgive. Anyone who chooses that avenue needs our support, so that they can live the life God asks them to live. Forgiveness doesn't mean to enable the husband to act this way in the future. It doesn't mean, "do it again, I'm fine." It certainly doesn't mean that life will ever go back to where it was before this scandal erupted, nor should it. It means "I want to move past this pain so we can live (and love) our new life together."

I'm not here to say what this wife "should" do; definitely not what this wife is capable of doing. But the Church teaches forgiveness is necessary to feel God's love, and I hope anyone who needs to feel divine peace for whatever wrongs have been committed against them can find a way to forgive. In so doing, may they feel God's love and mercy throughout their lives.