Expect Temptations

It is literally six days since the official beginning of our September Pilgrimage to see Pope Frances. I have not felt that spiritual high since the ride home from the planning meeting. In fact, it has been a never-ending crisis, I no sooner resolved one issue, than another one arose, a whirlwind, with no time to think, to ponder, to breathe.

I know intellectually, distractions are temptations to succumb to either sin or defeat. To me, they are an attempt to give up my resolve about writing these things down. I have to say, I have been a little disheartened. I haven't been able to get it on paper until now. But then I think, you know what they say; want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. I quickly remember.... I AM NOT IN CONTROL!!!

Control is an issue for me, as I like things to be a certain way, it makes me happy. The best way to tempt me is; mess with my need to have things a certain way. Good thing I can at least recognize the temptation; sitting with it, making friends with it, quite another story.

However, I feel I am making progress, as the last five days every room on the bottom floor is in disarray. When the house is in chaos, I feel my interiority is in chaos. I do not do well in chaos. I probably would not make a good hoarder. But on the bright side, I have been able to keep my routine, which also makes me happy. God is Good!!

Without the comfort of extended calm, contemplation has been coming in bits and pieces. I feel I will not be able to capture the movements and pin point the moment I allowed the temptation to cross the threshold of my mind. That being the case, I decided to give myself some much-needed silence by arriving to class almost an hour early.

I am facilitating a book study on St. Teresa of Avila's, Way of Perfection. I know right?! So I thought I would get to the church early, set up, and spend sometime before Our Lord, especially because I know one of the nuns is attending tonight's class and I am feeling completely inadequate. I have even tweaked the format, because I heard she likes to have an outline, where I and this group of participants are more free-flowing. I also bring water, as a member of our group suggested that it would be a nice gesture. This is not our group's format, we are more of a "fend for yourself" kinda group; you want water, well then you better bring it. I know bringing water is hospitable, but it's causing me stress.

Identifying the source(s) of the temptation is a good thing, it helps one overcome my natural inclinations and practice self-sacrifice. At this point I am pushed to my limits of self-sacrifice and pour this our to our dear Lord and beg Him for this night to go well.

I am distracted and off my game at the meeting. Maybe it's the lighting or the space, but I cannot get comfortable. The outline is throwing me off and interiorly, I am a mess. I wanted to talk less about myself and found that was all I talked about, at least that is how it felt.

When I returned home I was deflated, defensive and disappointed. Sleep eluded me as I replayed the evening like a tape stuck in a loop.

When I finally slept, I had a horrible dream. You know the kind of dream that the details are so vivid that you actually think it's real. It was so revealing that at one point I found myself talking to someone completely naked...that's when I realized it was a dream.

As I woke up, I was flooded with self-knowledge, most of it not good. Fully awake, I was madder than a hornet.