Why Using "Orphan Rescue" Sets Up Families to Fail

I have not published a post in over a month. I have been struggling with a few things. I have written posts, but have had to leave them be. Even now I know that this post may not be well received. It’s ok though, the receipt of my writing is not the intent, it is my obedience in writing it.

I wish I had a cape or could fly or maybe even had telepathy.

I can’t do any of those things. You know why? It is because I am not a super hero. I am real, flawed, broken, weak and well… Human.

For this reason, I do not use the following phrases for the following reasons….

ORPHAN.

Would you like to be called an orphan? Referred to as an orphan? Think of yourself as an orphan? The word makes me cringe. Mostly because it assigns a word to an entire group of people, which is always erroneous and hurtful. It is a word that has a negative feeling, and is assigned through no fault of that person. Besides that, most of the time, that title is simply wrong. Most of these children have at least one living parent. Calling them an orphan removes their parent from the equation. It would be much easier to not think about the parent wouldn’t it? It would be easier to forget about the mamma as she leaves her baby at an orphanage because she is sick, or abused herself, or simply too poor to feed her child. It would be so much easier to forget about the prostitute, the drug addict, and our not-so-pretty part of being a Christian.

Being a Christian, not just going to church or reading our bible, but living as Christ did, demands that we get our hearts a little uncomfortable and get to work. This is the Christian that we need in this world. Sending a shiny, sparkly lady reaching out to take the cute, love-able and easy part, while forgetting the unsettling part, is not what we need in order to heal this “orphan crisis”. In fact, it has been my experience that this shiny, neatly kept version of Christianity is setting us all up for bitter and sure failure.

The term ORPHAN separates a child from their identity as a person, just as they were separated from their birth parent.

RESCUE.

What pops into your mind when you read that word? A cape perhaps? Of the superhero variety? A far better person, out of sheer self sacrifice, calling upon super-human abilities in order to free a far lesser person? That is what I think of. That word also brings to mind firefighters pulling someone from a burning building or a navy seal sneaking into enemy territory to free a captured countryman. All of these images are nothing like me, but according to how these terms are used in adoption circles, Doug and I have “rescued” an “orphan” many times over….. What?

I do many many things everyday, but I have not rescued any orphans.

I have snuggled babies through withdrawl, held toddlers recovering from brain surgery and loved a newly teenaged daughter while being called every nasty name she could fathom. I have and continue to do these things every.single.day. The list would be long of the things I do for my children, but rescuing is not on it. I am not a rescuer, I am their mamma. That’s it. No heroics here.

I forget stuff

I fall asleep during movie night

I look at my phone when I should be engaging with my child

I realize Frannie has her panties on backwards, or worse, none on at all.

I burn dinner

I yell

I judge

I ask forgiveness of my children because I am human and so are they. We are people, not orphans and rescuers. They need to see that I am a normal person that makes mistakes. It is important to let them know that living this laid-down-life is done by normal everyday people. It’s not only possible, but designed that way. If God wanted orphans to be rescued, he would not have sent me to parent these kids, he would have sent Wonder Woman. I am not she.

The verbage used to denote adoption as orphan rescue puts a label on it that does two things, both of which set us up to fail. The first ramification is that it puts adoptive parents on some kind of weird pedestal. The second thing that it does is put “orphans” in some class of human that is foreign and odd to the well meaning Christians that we are trying to engage to action. The term may spark pity, but pity does not get people out of Target or off the couch.

Try this instead….

Hold in your mind the face of a child you dearly love. Picture their hair; brown? black? blonde?thick? wispy? curly? straight? wavy? Consider eye shape and color. Think about freckles, skin color, the shape of their nose, the turn of their precious pout, the lovely music of their giggle. Now call them an orphan, and mean it.

Hurts a bit doesn’t it? Brings this “orphan crisis” a little closer to home huh?!

Your beloved child could easily be termed an orphan under a set of unfortunate events. They are who they are because of where they live, who they were born to, and the lack of tragedy in their lives. My “orphans” have names and faces and are very real and very very very loved. Picture your child, as an “orphan”. What would you do? You would surely scoop them up, smother them in love and snuggles and bedtime stories. This instead is what the majority of people do, or rather, say…

“That is so wonderful what you are doing, I will pray for you”, as they go back into their homes and actually do a whole lotta nothing. They assign some kind of Holy aura to adoptive parents out of pity (for our loss of a good happy normal life, out of self-sacrifice), or out of reverie that they themselves feel they could never live up to. Both are very false. The easiest way to feel OK with not doing anything to help is to disengage with people who are. That is also a sure fire way to avoid guilt.

If they came to my house, they would realize instantly that there are 1.8 million ways to help without adopting anyone and that we are extremely un-heroic. In fact, I’m fairly sure our children do not have large glassy eyes that stare up at you forlornly. They have no idea they were once orphans, as they would have been referred to.

Adoptive parents themselves sometimes then think that they need to live up to the Holy standard of being rescuers, and they naturally expect their children to play the part of the rescued. In reality, the rescuers realize that their little damsels in distress are not grateful for their deliverance, and in fact, as a result of their trauma, require some specialty parenting, that may, in turn, actually limit your social life. That is not the life they were envisioning as rescuers. Where are the church goers eagerly lined up to deliver casseroles? Where are the understanding and supportive friends and family during the holidays, or at all? Rescuing is not supposed to be lonely. However, parenting kids that have experienced trauma can be just that. It can mean odd behaviors, sensory issues, unique boundaries and require more of those around you. Whether you bring home a baby from a domestic hospital or a 5 year old from a different country, odds are, if you think in the rescuer-orphan diagram, you will be setting yourself up to fail.

For these reasons, do not look upon us as rescuers and our children as orphans, former or not. Our family is not made up of saints and faceless repentants. We do not want reverence or accolades. We want company. We want a community that is made up of diverse, involved, service oriented peers. Basically, because we are very normal, we want to be the norm. We want your leg to be hugged by an Aaron, your arms to be busy holding a Sollie and your laugh to be worn out by a Frannie. We want you to leave our presence inspired to be part of a changing tide. Be a mentor, help at a shelter, clean the home of someone who cannot , bring a meal, mow a lawn, offer prayers, not as a passing thought and glimpse upward, but as a living person in action for good. Refer to us as a family and our children as just that, children, because that’s exactly what they are.