Healing for Depression

I went to Sunday Worship this morning. The Gospel reading was Matthew 14: 22-23. It’s the story of Jesus walking on water and Peter asking if he could go to him. Peter steps out. He takes some unknown number of steps then, noticing the strong waves from the storm around him he begins to sink. Oh that sinking feeling. We have all had it at one time or another to various degrees. We allow our eyes to turn away from Jesus and look at the waves. What are some of your waves; health issues, finances, family problems, the list is endless. One person’s harmless ripples can be another person’s dangerous swell. There are so many factors that contribute how we perceive these waves in our life. One thing is for sure; we all have them from time to times. If Peter did believe Jesus to be the Messiah as he proclaimed why did he take his eyes off him? Why did he doubt? Why did he begin to think it was within his ability to perform such a task? Jesus was present to him in such a real way that we will probably never experience this side of eternity. And yet he was sinking. When he became frightened he cried out, “Lord, save me!”[1] Jesus took hold and pulled him to safety saying, “Oh you of little faith. Why did you doubt?”[2]

For much of my adult life my impression of depression was that I was at fault and I was making mountains out of molehills. I perceived it to be a failure on my part to keep my focus on the Lord through the many waves of life. I’d doubt and focus on the waves, turning my focus from Jesus. Then those self critical voices would come; “See, you’re no Christian!”You think you can do this alone?” I would get stuck between the “I’m sinking” and “Lord, save me”. It was my fault. The temptations toward self-pity, self-loathing, and at times even self-hatred would come. I would feel abandoned by God and unlovable. I would lose sight of my true identity as a princess, daughter of the most high King. In reality I didn’t even call out to God. I was embarrassed by my failure and wanted to get fixed before I turned to face God again. It is a kind of watery grave with no hope of escape. Without God, it is true; there is no hope of salvation.

There are many concepts out there about what causes depression and I do not believe that one description fits all, not even two or three. One is a chemical imbalance in the brain. While this may be true in the strictest of senses one might want to consider what is creating the imbalance. Our emotional health can have many physical manifestations throughout our body. Some say it “runs in the family”. With this, the questions remains, “what runs in the family?” We learn by example so if our parents had difficulty dealing with their emotions how can the children be expected to grow up with a healthy ability to experience emotions. This can be passed down by example through many generations. Sin is another source of depression. A Christian should do a thorough examen of conscience to see if there is any mortal/serious unconfessed sin. This, Sacred Scripture tells us is a sure source of depression. Unforgiveness is a source as well. When we refuse to forgive bitterness wells within and restricts our ability for freedom and joy. Another source would be Satan. This is one wrought with much confusion and varying opinions. Sacred Scripture tells us in 1 Peter to be aware, the devil is on the prowl, looking for someone to devour.” What a better way to devour a Christian than to drag them into the pit of depression where they feel abandoned by God, unlovable, alone, and hopeless. It could lead others and themselves to question their relationship with God and their Christian witness. If they have Jesus and are this depressed then I guess Jesus is not such a good thing, some might say.

Placing blame one the Evil one is a tricky thing. Many times a Christian can feel convinced that the root is the Evil one and only seek to rid themselves of Satan, not look inward for personal sources of sin or woundedness, the most frequent cause of depression. I do believe in Satan and his evil works but he is much more subtle than we realize. He is out to destroy us but more strongly out to disrespect God. If he can steal your witness to the awesomeness of your life in Christ and hope of heaven he’s done more damage than to just you.

Some might even say a person is depressed because they are only looking inward, like Peter, and not on the Lord; trusting, serving and praising Him. If they just did this they would feel all better. It is their lack of spiritual maturity. Chronic pain can be another source of depression. It has been said that one can unite their suffering with Jesus on the cross or offer it up for someone kind of like alms giving but this does not remove the pain. There are some who have much peace and joy in spite of physical pain but for most this would cause us to withdraw and focus on pain relief.

My view and experience of depression has varied widely over the years. At times my depression would be mild, or moderate. At times it would become severe and debilitating and other times I’d be free of it (less of the time). When my depression would start, I’d look at my diet; am I eating foods that are nutritious and healthy or am I devouring comfort food. I’d look at how much exercise I was getting. Those exercise endorphins can be a great help. Exercise also increases circulation which brings more overall health to one’s whole body. I would also pick up my journal. As one who is not so quick to identify feelings, especially those I don’t like, I find journaling by word or art a helpful way to uncover what has been bothering me. This can, at times help avoid the progression of the depression. Other times, not.

After examining the various areas of my life and not finding a sufficient cause I find it’s time to look inward. For me much of my depression has been rooted in woundedness. These wounds can stem from childhood neglect, abandonment, active or inactive addiction in the family, abuse of any kind, and many other experiences that can either stunt our proper development or lead us to learn coping techniques to survive a troubled home environment. These coping techniques while helpful at the time can become enmeshed in our adult coping techniques when they are no longer needed or helpful. They can hold us back from living life in freedom. Irrational fears, insecurities, poor self image, turning our anger inward, all of these wounds, which can stem from even the happiest of families, influence our decisions and actions positively or negatively. For some it makes them stronger but for others it reaffirms the self critical voices.

It is here, for many of us, that our depression is rooted. I found this to be true for myself many years ago. I turned to Jesus who in His Word promises healing to those who love Him. I’d pray and pray for healing. I’d ask others to intercede for me, saints both living and deceased. I would receive the sacrament of healing and go to many priests and pastors for help. I entered therapy some 20 years ago. I can state with confidence that I have been experiencing healing, at God’s pace, through all of these sources. Yet I longed for the day when my depression would be healed and I could just walk in the joy of the Lord and the freedom He bought for me through His passion and resurrection. I would, at times, put my life on hold, immersing myself in prayer, therapy and self-help books hoping that soon I would be free. Still my depression persisted at varying depths at varying times.

Why was God taking so long? At times the self-critical voice would be very loud. It would have me blaming myself for my depression, lead me to doubt God’s Word and promises, my worthiness to be His beloved and receive His healing. These truly were very dark times. Was I not holy enough?

I have now come to find that I am healed and redeemed and God is in the process of leading me through to the fullness of that healing and redemption which we can all receive in heaven. Some might say “in Heaven”? What about now? I have chosen to stand on Jesus’ words in the Gospel of John chapter 17 where He states in His priestly prayer, “This is eternal life(heaven): to know you, the one true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent .” I have access here on earth to eternal life and so I am able to taste the beauty of heaven in the here and now. God is present and He dwells within. Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity, a Carmelite nun, is known for living her life by this very truth. “It seems to me that I have found Heaven on earth, since Heaven is God and God is in my soul.”[3] As we grow more completely into one with Christ we will be transformed and healed. In this healing we learn to forgive ourselves, others, and all else that contributed to our wounds and pains. Depression does not have to be a permanent state. We can get to this place of freedom if we but surrender more fully to the Lord. In this way He can take us by the hand and lead us through those waves in life recognizing the blessings are sometimes in the trials. In this place of surrender we can be open to the transforming grace of God. Pray for the gift to surrender. Pray for the gift of healing and transformation. Pray for a closer walk with God. It is all available to us if we but ask!

Depression is not the antithesis of a close relationship with God. Depression exposed to the love, truth and healing power of God can bring us to a place of transformation, renewal and freedom. It will heal us to the very core of our identity and strengthen our relationship with God; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit!

[1] Matthew 14:22-23

[2] Ibid

[3] Elizabeth of the Trinity. Light, Love, Life. Edited by Conrad de Meester, O.C.D. Translated by Sr. Altheia Kane. Washington, DC: ICS Publications, 1987 ( June 1902, Letter 122)