Helping or Enabling? A Catholic Perspective

Recently, a friend of mine was going through some struggles. She had made some mistakes and was struggling with the consequences. The situation was tricky, because there was a level of responsibility on her part, but also, there was room for support and compassion. When trying to offer her support, guidance, prayer, etc, it seemed as though she appreciated those things, but really wanted to dwell in the past and focus on things outside of her control, such as how people would react to what she had done. It felt very difficult to decipher how to help her best in this predicament. If I suggested focusing on the here and now and how to move forward, she seemed offended, but without actual ideas to take any steps forward, we just seemed to be swimming in circles. It wasn’t until another friend had warned me to be careful that I wasn’t feeding into the issue that I stopped to process. Was I in fact enabling some behavior by focusing more on empathy?

This situation really got me thinking… how fine is the line between helping someone and enabling a poor behavior? As I continue to grow in my faith (and age), it seems that this line is much thinner than I realized!

What is enabling actually? Oddly enough, Marriam-Webster had a seemingly innocent and positive definition: giving the opportunity or making something possible for another, such as giving your child a healthy meal enables them to be nourished. But that good old Marriam-Webster (does anyone remember that giant dictionary in the library that smelled like it was 200 years old?) did pick up on a more modern take of enable as well, but in more of a noun form. An enabler is a person who feeds into, in one way or another, the harmful behaviors of another person. Ok, makes sense. So how do we decipher our role in sticky situations? Jesus calls us to be compassionate, He calls us to love, and we know love can be hard and messy and not easy… I am sure you have been in a similar situation as mine… What’s a girl to do, ya know?

Jesus, of course, gave us a great example of how to keep our hearts from enabling. He demonstrates this eloquently in John 8:1-11. Jesus is presented a woman who was caught in adultery by the Pharisees. Ugh, could you imagine this situation? How humiliating for that woman, and how uncomfortable for everyone involved. Not exactly an act of humble, brotherly correction! And how sad that they use the sin of this woman to try to pin Jesus. But Jesus’ response is of course nothing they could have guessed, and just radiates with His wisdom and love. He throws those Pharisees off right away by simply writing in the sand. There are tons of theologians who have speculated as to what He was writing or what point He was making, but no matter what the reason, we can probably all agree that He befuddled those Pharisees! And then his response is so full of knowledge and compassion, encouraging those without sin to throw the first stones. And obviously, no stones are thrown. There is the help, there is the support, there is the love that this woman so desperately needed. But what’s to prevent Him from having enabled her actions? Here His response is priceless. When asked if any one condemned her and she responded no, Jesus returns with, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, and from now on do not sin any longer.” It always amazes me how much power and knowledge and love Jesus can pack into so few words. He shows her kindness and love and compassion beyond belief, literally saving her life! But He, as our good, good Father and the Man who wants to spend eternity with us, reminds her that she is deeply loved but needs to live in ways that demonstrate that love! That, my friend, is fraternal correction! That is the deep, meaningful correction that this woman needed, which was not presented in a way to embarrass her or to humiliate her, but to help her flourish. And so, this is what I and you are called to do in such situations. Jesus, please give us the knowledge, courage, and compassion to be helpers, not enablers. Amen.