7 Steps to Building a Strong Family Prayer Life

In a nutshell, the fact is,  something is missing. You have a hole inside of you - we all do - and that hole is bottomless. We try to put things into that hole.  For some of us it is watching sports, others it is watching television programs, for many it sadly is pornography. Yet, all those finite things we put into a bottomless hole! The only way to fill that hole is with the infinite, and only God is infinite! You place God into that hole, by engaging in the sacramental life and through regular devout prayer.  Participating in the sacramental life means going to confession regularly, and attending Mass regularly. A routine devout prayer life, in setting aside time(s) each day to pray, fills in the rest of the gaps.

This is my guide to praying with the family every night. You can do it by yourself if you live alone or pray with your spouse and/or children. For my family, this prayer time has gone over very well with my little kids. They are transfixed by the fire of the candle we light when we pray, and they are not afraid to chime in when there is time to ask for blessings, or thank God for things that occurred or they saw during the day.

Step One: Run to the grocery store! In most grocery stores placed with the exotic Latin American foods, either on the top or bottom shelf, there are always these candles with Saints, Jesus and/or Mary pictures on them. They are incredibly cheap! They are usually week-long votive candles, meaning they will burn for 188 hours or more! At a dollar store they will cost you $2-3 or less, and they will probably be about the same cost at the grocery. They are almost always not scented, so you don't have to worry about allergies. I think you will want to use these candles for a couple of reasons: It supports the people that make these religious candles, which is a valiant profession to be involved in. The candles when not lighted on a shelf, and stand on their own, are usually quite beautiful. Unlike the scented candles, these candles really are very obvious that they are set aside for holy things.

Step Two: Bring the candle(s) to Mass, and afterwards, get the candles blessed by your priest. If there is a lot of time between buying the candles and getting them blessed, It is OK to start praying at night using them, but getting the candles blessed marks them as holy and special and specifically set aside for God. For its life, this candle will be a centering location for your family to rally around in prayer.

Pro-Tip: Plan next February 2nd by purchasing candles for the year (including the next year's Advent candles) for blessing.  This date is the Feast of the Presentation, sometimes referred to as the Candlemass.  Around this feast, many parishes invite parishioners to bring candles to this Mass and place them on a side table for blessing at the beginning or conclusion of Mass.

Step Three: Set a time and place to pray. If you have little children,you should pray together just before the youngest child's bed time. Always give yourself plenty of time, so even if you are just starting and going to say one quick prayer, allow for double the time! If it is just you and your wife, I recommend 3 times to pray: after dinner, at dusk, or before bed. As for a location, any table or place that is free from distractions will be good. Talk about it, and make sure everyone knows what time family prayer time is.

Step Four: Pick the prayers. As with anything, start off simple. If all you can remember is the Our Father and the Hail Mary, then do that. I recommend starting with just an Our Father and build up other prayers later. Discuss the 'format' with spouses, and if children are old enough to comprehend, then explain it to them beforehand.  Always leave time for thanksgiving and intentions. In our family, when intentions come up, we always ask the children what they are thankful for, to encourage them to not be afraid to speak up. Start short and simple, and create a set pattern of nightly prayer, and then add to the prayer as everyone becomes more comfortable with family night time prayer together.                                                       Here are a few recommendations for you to ease into nightly family prayer. Remember, start with the basics and build up over time:

Starter Basic Prayers:

    Sign of the Cross
    Our Father
    Everyone states something they are thankful for, and any special intentions.
    Sign of the Cross

Midterm Prayers:

    Sign of the Cross
    Our Father
    Everyone asks for a special intention
    Hail Mary, Glory Be
    Everyone states something they are thankful for
    "We ask this through Christ our Lord...", Sign of the Cross

Deeper Prayers:

    Sign of the Cross
    Our Father
    Special Prayer (use prayer cards, everyone works on memorizing the prayer together)
    Special intentions
    Hail Mary & Glory Be
    Everyone states something they are thankful for
    "We ask all these things in Christ our Lord who reins for ever and ever...", Sign of the Cross

Step Five: Get everyone involved.

Little children; Sometimes you get started and cranky children begin screaming bloody murder (like every family wedding you have ever taken them to). When this happens, it is OK to send them to bed with a quick Our Father after placing them in bed. At about 18 months, my oldest son would not go to bed without lighting the candle and praying. Otherwise, it would break his routine, and he absolutely had to have that prayer time (You don't know how much I pray that he is always like that).

Teenagers; If you are starting this late in your family, teens are going to be a challenge. Do not turn family prayer time into something that is either demanded or used a reward. Try to make it something that is normal, which may be hard to develop into a habit. Always kindly invite them to join you in prayer; forcing someone to pray with you will have little effect. The nights they do not join you in prayer, ask them if they have an intention they would like you to pray for like friends, school, sports. Teens always have things they are worried about, and as long as you are friendly, sincere, and actually do care, they will entrust you with intentions. If they are upset and rebellious, make sure you pray for them, if they do not join you, as well as for their special un-named intention. Chances are, they are upset with something that involves deep emotions or complicated relationships and need that prayer badly.

Spouses; Sometimes one spouse is busy. Maybe a husband is working under a car or a wife is busy working on a project. One of the reasons I recommend such a short format is sometimes really important things are happening. Prayer time doesn't need to be hours long, and we always have time to give a few minutes to God. Never nag your spouse to pray. Everyone has bad days or things that sometimes they can't ignore for a few minutes once they start. Like with the sulking teenager, ask for a prayer intention and make sure you pray for them.

Step Six: Pray. Pull out the candle, find a regular place to pray, and light it before you go to gather the family. When they show up, the candle will already be burning, inviting them to pray. Of course shut out all distractions, turn off computers and televisions, turn off the lights, even if there is still sunlight out. The father of the house should lead the prayer, even if the mother has to remind or encourage the father. Often, in summer, I will be working outside as bed time draws near, and my wife stroll out and say, 'It’s almost bed time, want to come in and get ready to pray?' It is a pleasant reminder as my role as head of the household when she says it that way. At the conclusion of the prayer, children that do not misbehave, may take turns each night blowing out the candle. The flame, much like the glow of the screen, will capture a small child's attention, and it can be something you offer as a reward beforehand, 'Hey isn't it your turn to blow out the candle tonight'. Just like blowing out birthday candles only multiple times a week!

A note about Advent - In the United States, the Sunday after Thanksgiving is the first Sunday of Advent,  when the tradition of burning candles and praying is often encouraged during this 4 week long liturgical season. For my family, this is how we started praying at nights as a family. The practice quickly caught on as a regular nightly activity, and with the cooperation and encouragement of my wife, it has developed into our nightly custom.

Step Seven: Down the rabbit hole!  Remember the hole that is inside us is an infinite hole. Praying with your family will strengthen the bond with each other. When friends visit and prayer time comes up, invite them to join you. Pass out prayer cards for them to join in, or if they are not religious, give them a brief overview and ask them to silently observe. Sometimes we find ourselves away from home or in transit at prayer time, yet, we don't break tradition, and we still pray all buckled in our car seats. As time goes on, build a prayer corner in your home. You can acquire beautiful things for your prayer corner; linen, pictures, statues, crucifixes and incense that you burn on special feasts and solemnities.
Previously, I gave three examples of formats in which each one builds on the last.  For adults, this family prayer time most likely will not be enough prayer to fill an adult God-shaped hole. Yet, that I hope it is enough that you will grow a taste for more prayer. My wife sticks to more rote prayer, and most nights after family prayer and the youngest goes to bed, we will say a rosary with the older children. For me,  I have received spiritual direction to say the Liturgy of the Hours at night, and the nights we don't say a rosary are filled with Vespers (evening) or Compline (night) prayers. If you want to say the Liturgy of the Hours, I recommend getting the Laudate app for your smartphone as it supplies links to daily Liturgy of the Hours.  Saying the same thing every night can become to routine, so we mix prayers it up a little; novenas can fill small spaces and bring new enlightenment; devotions to saints or the holy family can bring a deeper understanding and love for the whole body of the Church. Currently, after prayer, my family is trying to read ten or more paragraphs from the Catechism, so we even balance Catechesis with our prayers. We'll have read or heard the whole thing in less than a year, but will most likely take a break during Advent, Lent, Christmas & Easter. The most important thing to remember is, we don't have to get stuck in a dull and boring prayer life. My family didn't just start praying a full load of prayers and doing all this reading on Day One. For us, it wasn't natural to just jump into all of it at once. We had to build up praying and let it grow on us diligently working day by day, forming a routine that we love and can't wait for each night.

Prayer Time: How much? I would say keep it short as anything over three minutes is a lot if you have kids. In fact, 2 minutes is probably the norm for our family prayer. If you are doing something afterwards, like a rosary or Liturgy of the Hours, 10-20 minutes is all children take, depending on your tempo. It is nice to have long nights and short nights, because sometimes you really need to tune-in to God more, and sometimes the day has been long, and maybe you want to get to bed a little early. Compline (night time prayer) from the Liturgy of the Hours takes about 5 minutes, and that is our “let’s go to bed” prayers.

For some people, the sacraments and a rosary at night is all they need to fill that God-shaped hole. But there are so many devotions out there, you really may never be able to do them all in a lifetime. There is no need to do the same thing every night. My family will pray that this helps you or maybe encourages you to try to pray more with your family!

*This is a shorter revised repost from Kurtis' blog at Blog.MassScheduler.com posted on 9/22/2014.