The More I Know the Less I Understand

You know, this faith thing is confusing, sometime. Once you see the practice of it, and the more you make an effort to practice it, the more confused one gets. The more you learn about it, i.e., the Saints, Church History, etc., the more you realize how little you really know.

Now, I was raised Catholic, went to grade school as a Catholic, and always "knew" and accepted the realities of Church teaching, the salvation Christ gave us on the Cross. Got it. However, like so many, as a young man I strayed. I can honestly say that I don’t believe I ever abused or disrespected anyone, but I drank a lot, caroused a lot, and had what I thought was a good time. Mass was not on the list of "good times". Basically, I just got lazy.

In my early thirties, I went to an evangical church with a friend of mine, and the message I got about being "saved" was good, but insufficient. I mean, once you got "saved" and got your tickets to heaven, then what? To me, it was kind of like, you made the team, you’re in. Now go get others on the team. Where was God in that? There was also, to me, the question of "healing"....I know that God certainly heals illness, but what about the ones who prayed for healing and were not healed? What about them? Didn’t God love them as much? No, I didn’t understand it. God isn’t anyone’s errand boy. To top it off, one evening one whole sermon was spent putting the badmouth on Our Lady, Mary. Now, even in my stupid days I knew that the Mother of Christ was a pretty special lady. I knew that a teaching like that was out of line....I can remember real strongly little voices in my head saying "no, no, no". I remember that as strong as any memory I’ve ever had. I’ll never forget it.

At the age of 44 I was called to finally go back and get my degree, at Mt. Aloysius College, a small Catholic college not far from where I live. I had small kids, and did it part time, and after several years, I wound up with a degree in Theology. I learned about so many neat things.....Old Testament, quite a few New Testament, Vatican II, all the good stuff. I learned about redemptive suffering, the just war teaching, the full ties between the Old Testament and the New Testament; the translation from Greek and Aramic to English; the role of Mary in our Salvation and the importance and scriptural verification regarding it; ....all were fascinating and I understood a lot of the whys and wherefores of Church teaching. I realized that the Church does not have the authority to tell you what to do....it has been given the authority to tell you what Jesus taught! And, Jesus Himself gave it that authority. A lot of stuff was beginning to come into focus.

So, I’ve spent the last twenty years or so praying the Rosary daily, and doing my best to allow Christ and His Mother to work through me. Not always easy, as a lot of times I think I can do it better, but it always turns out if I just butt out and let Him do it, through me, it always turns out better than I ever thought. I still don’t understand.....one would think the more you know then the more you would be able to pick out the flaws in others. However, I find myself being much more tolerant of others and their faith, although it might be different. I find myself seeing everyone else as being a reflection of Christ, as we are commanded to do. Every single person is created with the dignity of being in God’s image. Although I think their particular way of doing things may be mistaken, or incomplete, it’s easier to just let God work that out. He didn’t assign that task to me. OK. Got it. However, I’ve also become much more in tune to injustices I may see; not necessarily the "spun" features you see on TV, but little ones I see, disrespect for women, bullies, etc, and the old coal miner in me will say something. Again, I’ll let God handle the big picture. He can do it...I’ll just butt out.

It hasn’t been all roses, for sure.....I had a brain tumor a few years back that may possibly have written me off. While I was in the hospital being operated on, my mother passed. It was a memorable week. But, the little blessings that happen are somewhat incredible. I’ve been around some like minded people, including some very high profile show business types that I never thought I would have the pleasure of coming to know.....plus so many other little blessings and incidents that have happened, unexplainable little things that have bolstered my faith...just little signs that just maybe I’m starting to "get it". But, always, there is that little caveat...."don’t analyze, just trust". That is the hard part.

A couple of months ago, I finally called it a career and retired from my day job. I’ve become a Eucharistic Minister down at the Hospital, delivering the Body & Blood of Jesus Christ to patients that are in pretty bad shape. It’s easily the most humbling and powerful thing I’ve ever done. Seeing the response to folks on the "back nine" to being offered the Sacraments is incredible and humbling. It makes everything else so insignificant. I’ve also come to know that without the Sacraments, it’s all just talk.

So, I’ll just keep studying, praying and understanding less. It’s just the best way to be.