"Sense and Sensibility": What Jane Austen can teach us about emotional chastity

Chastity is something that is widely misunderstood in our modern culture.  In a world where the sexual revolution has taken root, traditional values regarding sexuality, such as waiting until you are married to have relations, seem restrictive and out of touch.  To a Catholic who seeks to live out God’s plan for our sexuality, however, chastity is freeing.  But even in Catholic circles, the scope of chastity is not always realized.

I think when young Catholics in particular talk about chastity, what is usually in our minds is physical chastity, which might be summed up in the following phrase: “Keep your clothes on and stay out of the bedroom!”  While maintaining physical boundaries is important, especially during courtship, seldom do we think about what emotional boundaries we need to set in our relationships.

I was participating in a young men’s discernment retreat for the priesthood when this subject came up.  Most of us are familiar with the somewhat controversial topic of the importance of dressing modestly, especially for women.  This is important because men are aroused by the visual, so when men see too much exposed flesh, it can be a major temptation to lust (men of course, are called to practice custody of the eyes, and to see women as daughters of God rather than sex objects).  Women, however, tend to be aroused more by emotion.  Thus, during this retreat for men who were seriously considering celibate vocations, our speakers described the importance of minding how much we shared our hearts with women, and that there were various levels of emotional intimacy that can be appropriate in the relationships that a celibate man had with others.  It is up to the priest or brother to discern how much sharing is appropriate in a particular relationship, and as one vocation director told me, it is the responsibility of the one in celibate ministry to set the emotional boundaries with others (so as not to scandalize others nor lead to an inappropriate relationship).

So, what does emotional chastity have to do with Jane Austen?  After having read and enjoyed Pride and Prejudice, (I also enjoyed the movie starring Kiera Knightley) I decided to read Sense and Sensibility, and then watch the movie starring Emma Thompson.  They were excellent, but I recommend reading the book before watching the movie.  I found that the story surrounding protagonists Elena and Marianne Dashwood teach important lessons about setting boundaries between men and women, especially when an attraction is present.  I am going to give a fair warning to those who are not familiar with Sense and Sensibility, I am giving away parts of the plot in this article.  So, that is your “spoiler alert!”           

Elena and Marianne Dashwood are sisters in (approximately) 18^th century England.  As women in this societal context could not inherit property and wealth from their parents, pursue higher education, or work to support themselves like they can today, marriage was somewhat essential to a woman’s survival.  Also, there were many more societal norms, expectations, and taboos surrounding courtship in this era than there are in modern-day America.  One of those norms was guarding your emotions and affections.  Elena, possessing emotional intelligence and a sense of prudence that can keep her emotions in check, is a sharp contrast to Marianne, who prizes passion in emotional attachments, and equates guarding one’s feelings to the denial of affection.  Thus, when Marianne happens to meet a man named Willoughby, by falling down a hill, spraining her ankle in the pouring rain, and being carried by him down the hill and back to her home (talk about sweeping a woman off her feet), Marianne is immediately smitten by him and in a matter of days has opened her heart to reveal to Willoughby all of her likes and dislikes, establishing emotional intimacy over a very short period of time.  Elena attempts to caution Marianne about getting to know Willoughby better before establishing such deep intimacy, but her warnings fall on deaf ears. 

Soon after this Marianne is seen riding carriages alone with Willoughby for everyone acquainted with the Dashwood family to see, and even consents to give him a lock of her hair.  The gossip among almost all of the friends and family of the Dashwoods, is that Marianne and Willoughby are engaged to be married.  Later in the story, it is revealed that Willoughby has never actually proposed to Marianne, and he ends up leaving her for a wealthier woman, solely for economic advantage.  Marianne has to deal with bitter disappointment, having set her heart on the prospect of a marriage that was implicit at best, that almost leads to her death.  Marianne came close to despairing on finding a happy life because she allowed her passions to blind her to the affections of other, more honorable men.  I will not give away the ending of the story in this article but suffice it to say that Marianne provides an example of what the failure to keep one’s romantic desires checked by reason can lead to.

The lessons that Sense and Sensibility can teach us about emotional chastity are thus: be aware of how quickly you open your heart to someone, and even more how you display your emotional intimacy in front of other people.  A man or woman pursuing the celibate vocation has to be very mindful of both of these points.  It is in the best interest for the ministry of a priest or religious not to even give the appearance of a romantic attachment to another, lest he or she creates a scandal.  What is more, if romantic attractions are allowed to fester and develop, the danger of a romantic affair and the consequential ruin of that person’s priestly or religious vocation become very real. 

We as Christians need to witness to the power and beauty of human sexuality in a pornified world by respecting our bodies, our minds, and our hearts.  This means not only avoiding sexual expressions outside the marital act, but also respecting the power of the human heart to bond with others.  We need to make sure this emotional potency is used properly, and for the glory of God, by balancing it with reason and emotional intelligence.  This makes the story of Sense and Sensibility an excellent teaching tool.