Blocking Grace

I was nearly knocked off my feet. God’s Grace came rushing down on me like a torrent, and I could barely stand. Let me explain...but I’ll have to take you back a few years. 

When I was growing up, I was in a Catholic school from Kindergarten through 8th grade, and I didn’t have many friends. It was a small class...perhaps 18 of us total...and I was the new kid, moving into the school after young friendships had been forged. Ostracized, teased, alone, my classmates didn’t really exemplify Catholic teaching outside of attending mass on Sunday...certainly not on the playground. 

Confirmation studies started in high school. I attended the preparation meetings with my classmates. Despite their attendance, their behavior outside of the meetings did not change. I was still ostracized, teased, and alone. So, I decided not to confirm my faith. Why join a church whose members couldn’t act remotely in accordance with the most basic teachings?

So, I lived my life without confirmation, committing mortal sins with some abandon. I received Eucharist while being unworthy, fathered a child out of wedlock, laughed when I told people I was a “recovering Catholic,” reduced God to nothing more than a concept inside of me, denying the efficacy of the Holy Spirit, etc. 

What I didn’t realize was that each mortal sin was deepening a rift between me and God; a rift that became a chasm over time - a virtual barrier between me and Grace.

Ten years later, following my wedding (in the Church to my Catholic bride), my oldest daughter was to be born. I decided that I should get confirmed...I knew she was going to be raised in the faith, and I didn’t want to be a father who didn’t profess a full belief in how we were raising her. I was willing to confirm my belief in the truth that I learned in Catholic school all those many years ago. 

However, my church at the time suggested confession, but did not require it of the confirmandi. Or, if they did require it I slipped through the cracks. I was willing to confirm my faith as a public show, but perhaps I still doubted the need to confess my sins to a priest. Or I wasn’t brave enough to admit them to myself. 

Regardless, I got confirmed, but I felt no different afterwards. No change in my demeanor, no feeling closer to God, nothing. It was all for show...a feeling that I’m sure (retrospectively) the Devil was using to reinforce the lies I believed before confirmation.  

My daughter was born. We raised her, and she went to Catholic school. In second grade, she had to go to confession for the first time. I wanted to show her it was fine; so for the first time in 15 or more years, I confessed. 

I shared everything...the denials of God; the receiving Eucharist with mortal sin on my soul; the premarital sex, everything. The priest absolved me; gave me a penance (surprisingly light, given the evils I had confessed), and I was on my way.  

It’s when I was walking away from the confessional that the torrent came down upon me. You see, that rift that I had created through sin...the one that became a chasm? It was filled. There was nothing separating me from all of the Grace that God had been storing up for me all those years. 

You see, the Church teaches that mortal sin separates us from God. Perhaps not completely, as God can always call us home, but substantially such that we cannot receive all the Grace He offers us. We must consent; we must be willing and able to receive. When we choose mortal sin, we tell God we are not willing to receive that Grace. 

But, the Church also teaches that the sacraments we participate in confer Grace. Every Eucharist, every confirmation, every blessing with holy water, has a certain amount of Grace associated with it. For me, it was waiting on the other side of the chasm. When I went to confession, when the priest absolved me of my sins, that chasm was filled. Nothing was holding back the Grace that had built up, from Eucharist, confirmation, marriage, and any other blessings I had received while on the other side of the chasm.

God’s Grace washed over me so forcefully I could barely stand. And that nearly brought me to my knees. 

For further reading, consider these passages from the Catechism of the Catholic Church. 

CCC 1446 “Christ instituted the sacrament of Penance for all sinful members of his Church: above all for those who, since Baptism, have fallen into grave sin, and have thus lost their baptismal grace and wounded ecclesial communion. It is to them that the sacrament of Penance offers a new possibility to convert and to recover the grace of justification. The Fathers of the Church present this sacrament as ‘the second plank [of salvation] after the shipwreck which is the loss of grace.’”

1468 "The whole power of the sacrament of Penance consists in restoring us to God's grace and joining us with him in an intimate friendship."73 Reconciliation with God is thus the purpose and effect of this sacrament. For those who receive the sacrament of Penance with contrite heart and religious disposition, reconciliation "is usually followed by peace and serenity of conscience with strong spiritual consolation."74 Indeed the sacrament of Reconciliation with God brings about a true "spiritual resurrection," restoration of the dignity and blessings of the life of the children of God, of which the most precious is friendship with God.