One Method of Forgiveness

forgiveness

a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult>

b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>

2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon <forgive one's enemies>

One of the greatest and ongoing tasks of the spiritual life is forgiveness. Many is the night that I have wrestled with sleep, anticipating the next act of someone with whom I have to deal who has done or said something that has hurt or offended me. Then, before going to sleep, I am reminded in the Our Father that I am forgiven by God the way that I forgive the sorry so and so! I have found a band-aid means of sleep. I may not be able to forgive this person myself. However, Christ has already forgiven this person infinitely on the Cross. So, I ask God that I might use Christ’s forgiveness for mine until I come to the point where I can forgive. It doesn’t let me off the hook but it does buy me some time.

The steps I take to arrive at forgiveness may not be the same as yours, but they have worked for me.

The first step is that forgiveness is composed of several steps and takes time plus hard work. Time does not heal all wounds. At best, I will have a poorly formed scab that bleeds every time it is reopened. Worse, the wound becomes infected with resentment and even retaliation. Instead, I must clean the wound with honesty. Then medicate it with humility and stitch it with charity.

Next is realizing that forgiveness is not finding a way to extract justice or vengeance. I might get justice and/or vengeance. This is cold comfort, and only distracts me from the more urgent task of forgiveness. Forgiveness is releasing the offender from his or her debt and acknowledging the loss for my own sake not his. This is not being weak. If you have ever tried it, you know the emotional and mental reserves it challenges.

Forgiveness does not mean that I condone the perceived injustice in whatever form: verbal, monetary or physical. Morally, I am required to oppose evil in any form, with non-cooperation at the very least, and open disobedience if possible. I acknowledge it. I accept that it happened. I try not to exaggerate or mitigate the offense.

I try to see my part, if I had any part in it. Did I let the situation get the better of me? Was I wrong in any way during the exchange? This doesn’t let the offender off the hook. My handling of the situation does not give the other permission to be unjust or abusive. But it does allow me to learn from my mistakes.

I make up my mind to make amends if needed. I will be more punctual, more considerate in the future, for example. I don’t have to make amends directly to the offender, and actions speak louder than words, so as often as possible, the amends is an action rather than words. Forgiveness does not require me to put myself in harm’s way. I can forgive without continuing a relationship with that person or limiting my interaction with that person, particularly if that person has no remorse or actually enjoys putting me down.

What forgiveness does that, it frees you from getting locked into the pursuit of blame and retribution and allows me to go on with my life. I have held grudges, and I have forgiven. Forgiving is better.